Save me from myself
by Nadia Blackrose
Summary: A collection of songfics including Bella's thoughts and feelings during Edward's absence on New Moon. Rated T just to be safe.


**Save me from myself**

**This fic is a collection of songfics which describe Bella's feelings towards Edward's absence on New Moon.**

_Α friendly push off the cliff is all I need_

_A sudden change or a smile_

_Could make me feel alive_

_Anything to take the ignorance away_

_There is a hole in my chest_

_Where my heart used to be_

_If you're looking for emptiness_

_I'm what you need_

_Colder and darker and worse_

_Sometimes life's just a curse_

**Bird, Tristania**

I would never imagine that I could find someone so perfect, so ideal and handsome like you, a love so clean and pure like water of a remote beach, untouched by human hand, unsailed by human ship... In those neverdying waters I wanted to swim with you and explore together the pleasures and joys of life, holding everlastingly your hand into every step of us, every moment...

But you left and became an intangible dream, a distant memory that still hasn't faded away from my tortured mind, that keeps on portraying everything we've lived together. The only proof that you once existed in my life is that terrible bite of James depicted in my hand, the mark of a vampire that tried to kill me, thanks to my stupidity, and you eventually came to save me... I owe you my life though you threw it away, so easily, and that is that.

_Emptiness is filling me, to the point of agony..._

**Fade to black, Metallica**

Absolute void is filling my soul nowadays, tears overflowing through it more and more, creating this lake of sorrows to which I'm sinking, denying to swim back to the surface, preferring to stay to the bottom, because I can't go lower than that. From there, no one can help me, and honestly I don't need any helping hand to get me out of this chocking dead end, I don't long to return to the surface of reality and live in a cruel, boring world without you.

Days flow by typically away from you, the sun sets, goes down, giving his place to the moon and the stars that shine upon the green forests, the leaves keep on falling, a yellowish colour paints them, the skies from their waters upon the thick folliages of the trees, those liberating raindrops that quench the thirst of the ground...

The clock rings, bringing me back from my dreaming world, reminding me of my pathetic, mindless, priceless existence. Sometimes, I do hate waking up, because it reminds me that what I live right now, this very tormenting moment is for real, not just another one of my nightmares, that was washed away by the night... Time keeps on flowing, against my will and my desire to turn him back, freezing him forever at the day you had kissed me with your frozen lips, capturing me eternally into the colour of your eyes, this magnificent colour that has not faded not the tiniest bit from my mind's eyes, and I seek for you desperately, within every single blink of my dry eyes... I even keep on leaving my room's window open, with the illusionary hope that you might climb through it and into my room, which will always be openly accessible for you.

_No love left in me_

_No eyes too see the heaven beside me_

_My time is yet to come, so I'll be_

_Forever yours_

**Forever yours, Nightwish**

I have no more tears to cry, I 've used them up mourning your walking out from me, from school, from the map, from my life itself, and now I sit on the floor, bed -ridden, breathless like a corpse, a body that lost the meaning of life, eyes not watching, a soulless doll looking the roof meaninglessly.

No matter how hard I try to hide my situation, i can't do it, I was not cut out to be an actress, obviously, and to make matters worse Charlie knows though not speaking, sharing with me this melody of silence, accompanied by the sound of the television once he returns home, after long hours of meticulously exhausting work. He looks at me in bitterness, his hands crossed tightly into his chest, accomplicing to the unstoppable suffering of a withering soul, my own, capable of commiting every madness possible, just to recieve a trace of yours, even if that means I'm losing my mind...

_I feel only misery for myself when I look through the eyes of someone else_

_..._

_As I lay down, all I wish is to get rid of this obsessive devotion_

**The obsessive devotion, Epica**

Yes, I want to go against you, drive you mad, make you angry enough so that I can see just for a while this image of yours arising from the corners of my troubled mind, which suffers under your absence, as if I'm trying to be intoxicated by you, addicted as I am for a very long time by the drug of your love which turned into poison, everyday killing every single cell remaining in me. In the end, the only thing that will remain is my grave silence... my obsessive devotion...I want you to hate me with all you've got, get fed up by me, pissed off, for I can't sustain to know that you feel nothing about me! I prefer to possess your hatred, make you spit at me like a cheap prostitute, make you kill me with your own bare hands instead of leaving me like this, allowing time to push this knive of despair deeper into my spine, causing me to beg for my death day by day, screaming from pain and agony like a psychopath, locked in a cage full of our memories...

Every touch of you now feels like a slap, every kiss like a biting that tears violently apart my very flesh, bidding my blood to escape from my veins, forming beautiful tiny red lakes of redemption and misery...

_Oh how I love you_

_The pain won't go away_

_Oh when I need you_

_You're always so far away_

_I cry for you_

_Leaving myself to blame_

_I died for you_

_I gave up everything_

**I died for you, Iced Earth**

But what I'm saying? How many lies do I have to tell myself to persuade me? Twenty four hours per day I whisper your name in a bitter sigh formed in my lips, my voice shivering, constantly breaking in the mumbling of this pleading pray of me... I try opening a book in order to travel to a faraway world through the eyes of my favourite authors, only to fall onto your name, and you pop up, I see you moving, walking, coming to life through the narration of the lines, meanwhile I'm searching to read of a female character like me, another Bella, and live this love through this pile of papers bound together, forming a well written book. But still, even if my wish gets granted, there's always that last page to come, the end is near and what remains is your imagination to create something yours, some kind of fanfiction, your thoughts about what could happen next in the story, or what never took place... I wonder, did we come to the last page of our own book? Could this be the ending of our brief story? Will there be any people who will learn about us, about this inglorious love that ended so abruptly? Definitely, I'm not the most sympathetic person in the whole world, many will say that I wasn't worthy of you, good enough for you, like you had told me so, remember? You were my god alive on earth, the heartbreaker of the school, always young, always attractive and mysterious, drawing sights upon you... And me, being just a typical everyday girl in terms of appearance, always standing on my average 5'4, not an inch taller, and the only reason I got attention was just because I had been a stranger, a new student, a brand new toy for the gossiping columns of the girls. I had felt more like a fish out of water, away from Phoenix where I used to live with my mother once upon a time, away from those nosy eyes seeing a victim in me, only to become your own prey, a wounded animal crawling on four legs, always seeking your love and tenderness, a beggar of your affection at your mercy...

_Save me now_

_Before my world falls_

_Save me now_

_From myself_

_Before the dawn_

_Save me now_

_I'm at the reaper's door_

_Can't you see_

_You hold the key_

_To set my mind free_

**Save me from myself, Sirenia**

Save me before I lose completely my mind, because I swear, I don't know how far I can get for you, I don't know how much strength has remained till I succumb to the attracting idea of death, only to see you for one last time...

If something ever happens to me, just say that I died in the name of love, I died for you, not because of you...

_**New moon was my favourite book, it gives you so many thoughts and inspiration towards Bella's feelings. Thanks for reading this fic, I would be really honoured if you left on me some feedback including your opinion on this.**_

_**Yours faithfully**_

_**Nadia the blackrose**_


End file.
